Thursday, September 17, 2009

Beatles Catalog (Finally) Remastered – A satiric Beatles-wordplay-and-puns-free assessment

On September 9th, 2009, the entire Beatles original catalog was released to an always avid target: three loyal generations of Beatlemaniacs and unsuspecting buyers we could qualify as collateral damage. As we saw with the 2006 released Love, we could appreciate in the documentary how difficult it was to the producers to come up with decent mashups, even with the entire same catalog at disposition (Yeah, sure. Just look out for Beatles’ mashups in Youtube. Start with Paperback Believer). With this in mind we can infer how difficult it was the remastering of every single song released in the 13 official albums with the singles and EP original material without botching it.

Because it doesn’t matter how many times the marketing team ends up not with a bang but with a wimp: the original songs remained the same. Until now. With such a task, the EMI engineering team, supervised by none others than Paul, Yoko, Olivia and Ringo, worked 4 years straight… until they could not hear a Beatle song anymore. First they searched for similar experiences around the world. Finally, in Colombia they bought the 1998-produced 30 Grandes Exitos – Diomedes Díaz and the original albums. After carefully (and for most of them, painfully) listening, they knew then what to do exactly with the Beatles catalog:

* First, suppress all chat and greetings to zero. Otherwise the recordings get too mundane instead of classy. Since Let It Be… Naked was released in November 2003, people would know already what to expect. Oh! Sorry What Goes On Website, your work is not needed anymore.

* Get rid of embarrassing out-of-tune performances! That means you, Hold Me Tight! Ole Paul was literally forced to re-record the With the Beatles’ track entirely with the early technology and sing correctly this time. When he protested, George Martin said: “You saw this coming from 46 years ago!” Mr. Moonlight? Out with the annoying Hammond solo! And another slap in the wrist for Macca!

* As in "30 Grandes Exitos", where the guacharaca was suppressed and replaced for *stylish, refined* cymbals, the entire drums and percussion of the tracks were removed and replaced with a drum box! In an upcoming Rolling Stone interview, Ringo will talk about how he is finally fed up with being the butt of jokes and harsh and unfair criticism for his drumming job in the band, so he gave up all his work for a bigger share in the Beatles’ business. Finally a point for Macca (fair or unfair his drum parts weren’t removed)!

* Revolution 9 was supposed to be enhanced with disparaging remarks of Michael Jackson made by Paul, Yoko, Olivia and Ringo, but self-styled King of Pop’s death recent death made them quit the project.

* As a special gesture, Strawberry Field Forever was intended to be reworked since the late John was never satisfied with the final result, the originally 1967-released version. But it was not possible to contact him, in spite of all the attempts made.

* In the most controversial move, all non-Harrisongs lead and rhythm guitar work was scrapped and replaced for all new Macca and Eric Clapton’s work. In his final days, close to achieve another happier and peaceful plane of existence, George Harrison couldn’t care less about the request and gave his permission to this. If this was the way for Macca to “finally set things straight”…

Well, speaking seriously now I wish the entire work can be heard as I heard Let It Be… Naked for the first time. Thank you, lads!
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I hate these days. People are telling you to STFU. Just say it, no matter how stupid or offensive it is.

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